Copyright 2014 Aleasa M. Word All Rights Reserved
I’ve heard countless people over the years describe how terrific a person was and then comes the…”but if they only lost a little weight or I can’t do people that size.” I find it funny that people would rather spend the rest of their lives alone or miserable with others then date someone who was a few pounds over their normal preference. Don’t get me wrong I know we all have our negotiables and non-negotiables when it comes to dating but sometimes you have to take a long hard look at yourself and ask this question…. REALLY?
When we seek to date others in our younger years we tend to be very outward looking in selection of a mate. As we age, most of us begin to look at the content of a person’s character. Realistically, if the only thing standing between you and the object of your affection is 25 pounds that’s not a deal breaker if you are willing to be kind enough and loving enough to help them get healthier. In fact, it may be that the reason they've not taken the plunge into the abyss of exercise is they've not had an incentive that was compelling enough for them to do so. The truth is, sometimes a new relationship is all the reason a person needs. It is also quite comedic to me when the people who have these biases have some shortcomings of their own. Perhaps you don’t look as youthful as you THINK you do. Perhaps you have some financial issues that may be a turnoff for another person. Maybe you have a few too many kids for the other person’s liking but they are willing to accept you anyway.
We are quick to judge others by the standards of the world when we don’t even look at ourselves the same way. What if someone looked at you and said I don’t date people who have crooked teeth? Or maybe they don’t date people who've been married before. At a certain point in life we should look to what really matters and that is happiness. For those seeking a relationship, the question becomes what will it take for you to be happy with a mate? If you’re over 40 and you’re alone, it’s worth pondering, especially if you've had relationship failures in the past. Are you looking for the wrong things? Do you even know what you’re looking for? Are you looking for a man or woman with a 6 figure income when you don’t even have one? Are you looking for the supermodel body when you don’t have a supermodel body or face? It’s no secret we want what we want but what can we offer in return?
About a year ago I talked to a woman who was absolutely gorgeous. She was a little over weight and very self-conscious about her body. She had a man she was in love with but knew the only reason he’d never been interested was because of her size. He preferred slimmer women. The thing that made me roll my eyes is that every woman he ever dealt with was pretty slim but they all ended up being (for lack of a better term) crazy as hell. This man continued to endure bad relationship after bad relationship even going back to some of them because he was seeking a body image all while this beautiful young woman sat on the sidelines waiting for him. It was heartbreaking and all I could say is “loving yourself more will show the man who truly deserves you how lucky he is when he meets you.” I’m happy to say that she finally gave up on this guy who is still looking for Ms. Right and she met a man who adores her literally one month after we spoke. The most amazing thing is she’s lost about 50 pounds because she and Mr. Wonderful go for long walks every night. That’s all it took for this incredible lady….was to love herself enough to meet someone worthy of her love.
There are way too many dating sites out today. There are way too many people writing letters to radio personalities and too many people on bachelor shows looking for love. If we could only look to what really matters instead of this fantasy that is built on airbrushed people in media, we’d all find love faster and be happier when it comes to relationships.
Copyright 2014 Aleasa M. Word All Rights Reserved
As a single mom it gets hard spending time with the kids working all the time trying to make ends meet. When I do get some much needed QT with the kids they usually want to go see a movie or watch the latest kid show on television. I am finding it harder and harder to watch a show that doesn't have some sort of sexual reference in it unless it's a show for kids 6 and under. Even those are becoming suspect!
When did we decide as a nation that sex was all we had to offer anyone? Beyonce and Miley are supposedly sexually empowered as women but just a few years ago that would have been called sexual exploitation of women. Though I think Beyonce has talent and her Drunk In Love song has a catchy feel, it is has sooooo many code words in it; but, parents aren't reading between the lines of "cigars on ice, watermelon and fatty." There's no sense in stopping there; many males like Mrs. Carter's husband make it ok to "beat it up like Mike" referring to the rape case Mike Tyson had years ago or the domestic violence Tina Turner endured when Ike told her to "eat the cake Anna Mae" while beating her. Oh no worries, Rock and Roll, R & B, Rap or Pop....they're all talking the sex game and our kids are listening like little sponges absorbing water. Lady Gaga and her Sexxx Dreams even talks about messing around with someone whose boyfriend was away as she lay and touched herself. Come on, if it's all out for the public to see, what's there to look forward to when you get home?
Even kid shows that have tweens to teens in them can rarely be seen without someone referring to kissing, or a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Schools now debate whether or not they want to start including sexual orientation classes as part of the routine for kids when the real class should be on tolerance of differences no matter what they are. Music has no filter and you don't even have to teach your kids how to have sex because it's spelled int he tutorial of music quite explicitly for them if they listen to just a few songs.
The truth is SEX is everywhere. It is so prevalent that it gives today's children the idea that there is nothing else to do BUT have sex. No one needs to go outside. No one needs to ride their bike. No one needs to go shopping because sex is the boredom breaker! Commercials are filled with it too. When in the heck did Doritos become sexy? I don't know about you but cheesy breath is not a turn on for me.
It is scary to me in a day and age where HIV/AIDS and a host of other sexual diseases are escalating, that we aren't doing more to tone down the "Sexualization of America." If everyone is having sex all day long, who the hell is working and making our businesses run? People are caught having sex at work more than ever. Walk down any street in a big, busy city and you are sure to see a used condom on the side of a walkway somewhere because someone couldn't wait to get their next piece. Kids worry more about looking sexy than their school work because if they're not sexy there must be something wrong with them right?
I grew up in a time where tv shows were about having fun. My kids now by choice are looking at retro shows that show silliness which they enjoy just as much as the other stuff and focus less on sexing people up. I don't want my kids to be parents before they get married or are at least high school graduates; however, if sex is all they hear about it's like eating and eventually too much eating will make you fat (in sex....pregnant).
I'm concerned about the future of a country that feels empowering yourself sexually means displaying all of your goods for the world to see in any arena. By no means am I a sexual prude but what I have to offer is for my man only and I don't need the world to know what goes on in between my sheets. There is a big difference between a sexy looking man/woman and a kids walking around twerking and dry humping because they feel that's the only way to be accepted. I don't care who people sleep with because it's personal preference; but, if the only way we define ourselves is through how much sex we can ooze out of our pores to the public we have some real soul searching to do.
Copyright 2014 Aleasa M. Word All Rights Reserved
I sat down to write a blog and realized tonight that I'm exhausted. I'm not just physically exhausted but mentally, emotionally and spiritually exhausted.
As a working woman in 2014 there never seems to be enough time to do all the things that need to be done. There are more demands on people today than ever before. Single headed households are rising but the pay seems to be lagging and the work is increasing. I did not choose to be a single mother but unfortunately life turned out that way. I planned to be married and have the house on the hill like others we picture in the frame of what we believe is the American Dream; but, my dream crashed and burned in divorce court several years ago. I yearned to have my children grow up, go off to college and meet their soul mate all while preparing for their careers. I thought I'd grow old peacefully with the man of my dreams and watch the sunset together every day as the world lived in peace. What I did not know was the man of my dreams would not come until long after my children were born from a union that was less than dreamy.
Wait a minute......was that a scene from a movie? Real life is filled with news headlines full of violence every day and even now an airplane seems to have vanished into thin air. Children are being abused as pornography rings are uncovered daily. Cyber stalking and bullying is causing people to commit suicide. The keyboard on the computer has become the smoking gun used to force pain on others. Our food supply is filled with GMO's and foods that children are severely allergic to that should simply provide us with basic nourishment but instead could kill. Racism has re-reared its ugly head in light of President Obama making office and staying there for two terms. His policy or lack thereof has been overshadowed by the color of his skin and caused many to show their ugly side. Stand your ground laws that were meant for good are now being used by criminals with malicious intent to kill teenagers just because they can and almost get away with it. People involved in murder trials as the defendant become an overnight celebrity once the trial is finished even though someone ended up dead. Churches are filled with pastors dying in the pulpit, lying in the pulpit and some even crying in the pulpit because they are so broken they have no one to turn to and prayer is not working in their eyes.
I am a tired woman. I am tired of seeing all of the pain people are in and tired of suffering through my own from time to time. I am tired of working a full time job, running a business, going to school and raising kids alone all to make ends meet and appear as though I'm living my dream. The dream right now should involve a rest that never seems to come. It involves finding ways to do less and make more without sacrificing my children or my soul. It involves me finding better ways to worship the God I love so very deeply without feeling like going to church is yet another burden I must bear.
What I am most tired of is seeing families created that involve incompatible parents who build dysfunctional lives and raise dysfunctional children who simply want to be loved but aren't. I'm tired of men being so broken they can't even figure out their place in society because society tells them there is no longer a place for them. I am sick and tired of single mothers being the sole excuse for our society spiraling downard in an inexcusable cycle of violence blamed on the mother for not having enough time for her child and supposedly running the fathers off. I am very tired of cancer and HIV taking lives of people who had bright futures ahead of them. I am tired of females being called bitches and hoes all while they are bashed for assimilating to the title but exploited for pleasure in media everywhere. I am tired of managers who know people need their jobs using this as a way to abuse their power because they can as a way to escape the personal hell they live in. I am tired of seeing people homeless in a country that was once the richest in the world while legislators piss and moan over silly bills getting paid in and out of session. I am tired of telling my black child he must use a caution reserved only for people like us to avoid being looked at as angry, aggressive, intimidating or like a thief when he just wants to go into a store and buy a candy bar. I am tired of men telling women who are for the cause to raise healthy boys and help repair emotionally broken men to stay in their lane when the job still needs to be done by someone. Honestly, all in all, I am tired, tired, tired. This is the plight of the tired woman.
Copyright 2013 Aleasa M. Word All Rights Reserved
Sometimes people see you by yourself and assume you are either too miserable to be with someone or you are alone because you want to be. More times than not, neither are true.
I've been divorced for 6 years. The first year or two I decided I needed to find out what caused me to get in to toxic relationships over and over again so I stayed alone on purpose. After that I tried the dating scene only to find it had changed quite a bit since I'd dated many years before. Frustrated at the games people still played at my age, I decided to focus on my career. I started a business and went back to school to finish a degree that should have been done many years ago. I thought all I needed was God, my kids, my dog and me. Ok, so you guessed it.....that got old too. Then I started dating again but just didn't feel like dealing with anyone else's emotions. It's a funny thing about being by yourself for a while; you get used to doing things your way and don't feel like you want to change anymore.
As time went on I realized I didn't have to change from the new me I'd grown to like. Instead I needed to wait until someone was available to embrace me for exactly who I was. And I too would have to embrace them as they were at that moment. We are taught sometimes that we shouldn't be too picky and people aren't perfect. After much soul searching I realized I didn't need a perfect man but I wanted one who fit perfectly into my life and I his. I hurt when I hear women say things like men ain't shit or I don't need a man they're a waste of time. Everyone could benefit from healthy companionship. There are certain things in addition to sex that a woman just can't do for me. There are ways a man can make me feel that a bunch of female friends never could. I embrace my womanhood and my desire to have a man by my side who compliments my life. What I don't embrace is having to change or dummy down to be with someone just because I don't want to be alone.
Standing true to your values and desires can be very difficult in a world filled with incomplete people who don't know how to have relationships. But if I settled for one of them, I'd only be setting myself back and making my life as bad as it was years ago when I was a broken woman. I love the me I am today. The woman I am today is smart. Some say I've always been smart but I mean ME smart. I know who I am. I know whose I am. I know what I like, dislike, need and don't need. I know my limits and abilities to deal or not deal with certain things. I am simply comfortable in a skin that I've lived in my entire life and refuse to compromise it. I also refuse to try and settle down with someone I want to change. How fair would that be to them to not accept them for who they are. I have no bitterness about my messy divorce or the one before that who beat me until both my eyes were black. These were broken people who too needed internal healing. They deserve a second chance in life just not ever a second chance with me.
We are all good in a relationship in our life if we find the right relationship for us. Life and media that fuels it encourages us to live the dream or the fairytale. Because we are conditioned to believe the fairytale is true we end up disappointed over and over again. We continue to be alone even when we are in relationships with people who we are supposed to be in love with.
There is no loneliness in my life anymore whether or not I'm alone. Dating is great these days but it's on my terms and on my time. Not everyone wants to be alone but more often than not it's the only way to find out who you really are and what you deserve.
Copyright 2014 Aleasa M. Word All Rights Reserved
Not a day goes by that I don't think about ways to try and help those who are hurting inside. Last night I facilitated a successful session on facing your demons, living your truths and dropping the bullsh*t in life on the 40 Pound challenge. It made me start to wonder how many of my readers continue to hold on to garbage that's not theirs. How many people you who look forward to my constant questioning about life truly question the stuff they believe they own?
One thing about baggage is we don't like to have it. So the old saying misery loves company is very true. When our misery is fueled by the baggage we have, if not careful we give that garbage to others. One thing about garbage is that we are used to the way ours smells. The scent doesn't even appear to be an issue as we get used to the dysfunction of it all. It is however another story when we take on the trash of others. It begins to have a stench that we can't stand but often don't know what to do with. But why do we do it? Are we trying to be accommodating so we don't look like we are a team player? Are we worried about being labeled a b*tch or a as*hole? Does it eat at the core of our need to feel like we belong?
Why do we risk our own ability to live happily and comfortable so that others can while we suffer in silence. What I don't believe is that we have the right to be hurtful to others; however, we shouldn't give ourselves or others the right to be hurtful to us! At what point do we learn to simply not own trash that belongs to other people? Those who say you'll never amount to anything, you're a failure, you always make bad decisions and so on.....that's their opinion. Sometimes there is a truth to it because quite honestly if that is really the case WE ALREADY KNOW IT and don't need anyone else to tell us. By telling us it is sometimes us allowing others to unload their feelings of inadequacy on us.
Today I challenge you to give it back or not accept it at all. When someone tries to give you their garbage you must learn to refuse to take it. It could be something as simple as saying "I'm sorry YOU feel that way, and I hope YOU have a nice day." Man, that statement always confuses naysayers when I say it. They have no idea how to even feel about that statement but I do! It makes me feel empowered by the mere fact that I refused to let their words make me feel dis-empowered. Garbage is simply garbage no matter where it comes from. But I refuse to allow my life to be the landfill for waste that I didn't create and I challenge you to do the same.
Working with The Good Men Project by contributing articles over the last few months has really opened my eyes to a lot. I often wonder if people could see what's really behind the eyes of a man if they could handle the pain, fear and attitudes that so many misinterpret as anger and lack of emotion. The Representation Project's video on the Mask You Live In says it all.......be careful how you raise your sons, for they will one day turn into men.
Copyright 2014 Aleasa M. Word All Rights Reserved
Re-posted from 2011 Wordallogic "It's Not All Money"
Rush hour hit and I walked out of the office glad to see the end to another busy day. As I joined the hustle and bustle of people on the street I began to hear a woman’s voice yelling towards my right side. I glanced over and see a woman screaming at someone on the telephone. It was obvious after a few minutes the person on the other end is a significant other of sorts. She continued on the same path as me; however, trying not to listen, I still pieced together the conversation. It appears her child’s father is stringing her along in an effort to avoid her taking him to family court for a formal child support order. Eventually he hung up on her in disgust because of her ranting.
As she walked silent, obviously embarrassed as her eyes darted to and from my direction. I stopped, looked her straight in the eye and said “It will be ok, I’ve been there and it’s not an easy place to be.” She looked into my eyes first as if to say mind your own business and then saw I was speaking from the heart. At that point tears began to fall and she said “it’s just not fair, it’s just not right.” I told her it would be fine but for right now I knew it was tough and eventually she wouldn’t even need the money. She said it was about more than that and I looked at her in realization that I really had been where she was.
We continued down the same street and she called him back over and over. Each time she called she would scream into what seemed like voicemail only to call right back and complete her message because it had cut her off. How I wish had $100 in my purse at that very moment; because, I literally would have given it to this stranger who was obviously in a desperate situation.
I thought about a friend of mine in New Jersey who is a great father. He is young, still enjoys life to the fullest, but when it comes to his son the world stops. He didn’t come from a great home life but wanted to make sure his son learned right from wrong and didn’t have to live like he did. He even turned around his life in a way that he took what he knew and turned it into a business to make sure he had the income he needed to not only survive for himself, but provide for his son no matter what.
Many often ask what the difference is between the parent who provides and the one who doesn’t. Or the parent who creates drama and the one who doesn’t. Could it be their personality make up, their God given drive? Could it be the support system they do or don’t’ have? Or could it be survival based fear?
Either way one thing rings true in both stories. The one person who is affected most by this is the child. If that mother or father can’t pay her electric bill the child suffers. If she or he can’t pay for childcare, they can’t work and the child suffers.
The male on the other end of that phone call probably tuned her out because many of us women (not all) go on endlessly until our voice just becomes noise and the males in our life lose site of what we are trying to say. The young man I spoke of ignored the noise of which he still has to hear from time to time. He focuses on his child instead, giving everything he has for the benefit of his son because he knows it’s not about him.
The lesson here, is that the parent’s cry becomes the child’s cry. If the parent isn’t ok, the child isn’t ok. If the child grows up messed up the jury is out on what effect he or she will have on the next generation until that time comes. Whether or not we are talking about child support, emotional support of some other dynamic the key word is support! Everyone needs a base to rely on. One thing that rings true, is as a people we need to support one another in every way possible and see through the noise. It is when we step outside of our own frame of reference that we see the entire picture and hopefully human compassion wins over selfishness or pride.
*Thanks to my friend Jae for inspiration from a great young father!
Copyright 2014 Aleasa M. Word All Rights Reserved
Today is February 14 and we all know what that means, Happy Valentine's Day! As a twitter and facebook junkie it cracks me up seeing the pendulum swing to the extremes when it comes to Valentine day haters and lovers. A lot of the haters are people who are either financially strapped and downing the day as a stupid ode to love or singles claiming this one day does not show love when they know good and well if they had someone they'd most likely participate. Then there are those who genuinely don't believe in single day celebrations but there are less of them than we think! Just like any other day that comes on our celebration radar, I always have the same thought......if you don't celebrate it, why do you care to comment or judge others who do?
A friend of mine had an interesting theory about the angry non-valentines day people. She said they're sexually frustrated. After I finished ROTFL, I thought about it. Could this be true? According to theorist Sigmund Freud psychosexual theory, our aggressive natures can be attributed to sexual repression. Some who hava analyzed it note ego defense mechanisms being fueled by sexual urges. So in real terms....could these people be pissed off and blowing up twitter because they're backed up sexually? Yes, I know haters may say that's ridiculous but it's worth a thought. Now don't get me wrong I really am playing devil's advocate, but I think many thoughts are worth pondering from time to time no matter how crazy they sound.
So what am I really saying? It's simple. Millions of dollars are spent on Valentine's Day to celebrate "love." With love comes intimacy and with intimacy comes sex or at least we hope it does. A lot of people would not participate in this gift giving exchange on the heart filled day if they didn't think they'd be getting a return on their investment. Women are complex and we want affection along with everything else. Men....well they're wired differently and there's nothing wrong with that. When these urges aren't met for us however, it can cause us to just be pissed off and skew our perceptions. Sex is primal for many and intimate for others but either way it fits a basic need for closeness and belonging. Perhaps you don't agree, but honestly even the haters would most likely participate in Valentine's Day if they had the right person and the expected outcome was the same.
What so many don't get is that SEX is a natural part of life but many have chosen to make it a dirty word. The shock value for some of us is through the roof just by the word being mentioned. But, what is dirty about a natural human connection? When we don't have that basic natural connection does it affect our psyche? Some theorists speak to the affects of dopamine, prolactin and oxytocin combined as they affect our moods and correlate a sexual attachment to the combination.
If you celebrate the day, I say enjoy it. If you don't , I say don't hate on those who do. But, I will leave you with this thought. Are you so vocal about your dislike because you're alone, unhappy or not able to buy something for your mate or is it because you feel your view should change the world's perspective?
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